NO PROCEDURE REQUIRED

I found this three-nights-at-a-spa sweeps from the ad that’s been running now for several days in that wide skyscraper Google Adsense sidebar to the left of your screen. Scroll down and you can’t miss it: www.botoxcosmetic.com. If it’s still there, that is. I’ve resisted looking into it, because of the usual ambivalence about the ascendance of plastic surgery and cosmetic enhancements in our culture. But that word “spa” – spa, spa, spa, apparently from the Latin, salus per aquam, wellness through water, or espa, which is Latin for fountain – proved impossible to resist.

Now, I did not cheat, I did not click on the Google ad on my own site, that is against the rules. I typed out the URL (duke, duke, duke, duke of URL) and discovered this promotional sweeps for three nights at the Bodega Bay Lodge & Spa on the Sonoma Coast. The stay includes two massages and a gourmet brunch and airfare. The prize, with an Approximate Retail Value of $3,860, is good for one year after notification.

Before I started clicking, I read the Official Rules to make sure this wasn’t like those time-share giveaway traps where I’d have to go and listen to some plastic surgeon expound on the benefits of botulism injections. I think some doctors are certifiable about these treatments, and I do not mean board certified. Several years ago I was being treated for a major ear infection by an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor who did cosmetic procedures on the side. He was as handsome as they come, not my type though, I’ve never gone for that escaped mannequin look; of course his assistant was central-casting attractive, too. Well, the two of them discussed the elasticity of my facial skin while he extracted massive amounts of fungus from my ear canal. The pain was excruciating, like having a root canal of the ear. Had it not been so painful, would they have gotten an earful, a piece of my indignant mind.

So, no procedure required here. You do have to fill out a few questions, like whether you’ve had a Botox treatment (no! no! no!) and when you were considering getting a Botox treatment (I can’t remember what I checked off; I know they didn't have a checkbox for never).

Entering will expose you and your loved ones to promotional emails and snail-mail literature. (As for the latter, not as much as magazine subscriptions used to. Speaking of which, in the early 1990s, for reasons that are too complicated to detail here, I subscribed to The New Republic under the name Curt Manners. I got mail for Mr. Curt Manners for years, including a letter from then President Bill Clinton, soliciting donations for the Democratic National Committee. It was very entertaining at the time.) To enter the sweeps, click here. Or go right ahead and click on the Google ad if it’s still there. It’s not against the rules for you. Wink, wink.